Time For Serenity

Eleven years has passed since my journey as an Adult Child of Divorce began with a fateful phone call.  As I talked to my pastor a few weeks later, he said something about "years" and I remember my thoughts screaming " Years???!!!  I can't bear this another day! And things need to get back to normal by Thanksgiving six months from now, so we can go on as we always have!!"  His understanding and experience with divorce and how it affects families, gave him a long-term perspective. He was aware that huge changes in a family don't generally resolve quickly!!  Although that view was so very unsettling to me, it was probably good for me to hear right away.  Time would come and go and things would change and there was little I could do to change that. Through the last eleven years of grieving and healing and continuing to deal with the aftermath of my parents divorce,  I have learned that it is OK to take our time, as adult children.  Take your tim...

Top Ten Reasons Adult Children React Negatively When Parents Divorce 1.     The adult child’s sense of normalcy, security and support is taken away. 2.     The adult child is positioned between his or her parents and often a difficult decision of supporting one over the other is forced upon them. 3.     The adult child is put in a situations of answering to family and friends about a parents poor choices. 4.     The adult child often is a part of conflict with his or her siblings as a result of the parent’s divorce and the way each sibling thinks and acts as a result. 5.     The adult child has to answer to his or her children about compromising lifestyle choices of their grandparent and may watch as family values decline as the younger generation watches the older generations behavior. 6.     The adult child may need to make sacrifices in their own life to help and sup...

I like Checkups.  Maybe not everyone does, but I like my dental checkups once a year. I look forward to going to my doctor to talk about my general health.  When our car is scheduled for a yearly service appointment, I feel a sense of relief.  Most of the time, I go along in my life without paying much attention to my teeth, my blood pressure or the faint noise in the engine in my car.  When I go to the checkup, I am happy that I have a second person paying attention to things that I may be so used to that I am inadvertently ignoring them.  In marriage, and in personal life, especially if you are an adult child of divorce, checkups can be so valuable.  A yearly appointment with a trained counselor or a trusted pastor can help you deal with issues before they need "surgery" , so to speak.   Sometimes the checkup will expose a problem you didn't'know you had, or it will enable you to voice your concerns about something that is nagging at y...

Yesterday I had a unique experience.  My paths crossed with three women who have survived the pain of betrayal and broken promises.  Each woman has a different story, but their journey to wholeness has been an inspiration to me!! The first woman I saw yesterday was my mother.  Five years ago my heart broke each time I saw her.  Her agony was evident in every area of her life.  Her physical and emotional health was at risk.  We all wondered if we would ever have her "back" the way she used to be. To see a woman who had given all for her family have to endure the destruction of her family because of her husband's choices added to my grief! How could she go on? Would this destroy her? The second woman I saw yesterday was a friend I met in Divorce Care.  The support group I sought out was designed for people going through divorce. Although it was my parents ,, and not me, experiencing the divorce, I found the Divorce Care support group at my churc...

Adult children of divorce experience burglary.  Things are taken.  Stealing takes place.  They are violated.  The parent sees only the boxes they are packing to carry on to their new life.  The leaving parent views what has been given in the past as most important.  The parent who is "moving on" takes belongings, photos, family heirlooms, and they take SO much more!!! Adult children of divorce are left looking at rooms and spaces in their literal family homes, and the recesses of their minds.  The areas are empty or half full now.  They may be strewn with debris and bring a feeling of chaos and insecurity.   Even when they are cleaned, re-arranged , and filled with new furnishings, the memory of the burglary still haunts and changes the behavior in those rooms. Adult children of divorce have a lot taken when one or both parents decide to leave. If you are a parent of adult children and you are considering divorce, realize the eno...

When we are in pain , Children of Divorce , and others dealing with other loss, often look for signs.  Some people see "signs" in a lot of happenings, and others choose to look at life more objectively.  I have tried to have a balanced view of "signs" , understanding that some things have reasons for how or why they happen , but at other times, we simply can not explain something that happens, except for that it may be somewhat supernatural. Two years ago , right around Valentines Day,  as I was experiencing continued pain and adjustment to my parents divorce, I asked God to provide me with some sign of His love.   Something to help me know He was still there and there was still a purpose to all that was going on. The photo above shows you what I saw a few days later. The water in my terracotta  birdbath had become icy in a perfect heart shape.  I have never seen this before or since!!  The "sign" made me smile an...

  Adult children of late life divorce know what it means to have a family reputation   change.   What was, isn’t anymore, and we have to answer to that in our communities. Moving back to my hometown had been challenging.   There are good memories and bad memories that return as I drive the streets and visit the restaurants and places of the past.   Understanding that my perceptions of my childhood were not always what I thought them to be is hard at times. But answering to others in the community about my family and where we are today is one of the most difficult things I have encountered. My job takes me into the community. I rub shoulders with others who have lived here for a long time. I was gone for over thirty years. I am not the same person I was when I lived here as a child. Neither is my family the same. Yet often, people don’t know what has happened.   I inevitably meet people whom I recognize from my childhood or I make the “mist...