Time For Serenity

The three year anniversary of me writing this blog has almost arrived! I never in my wildest imagination thought I would write one hundred posts! When I started this journey my goal was two-fold. I needed to express my thoughts which were exploding in my head every day, for my own healing. I also wanted to offer help and hope to others who were experiencing the divorce of their parents when they were adults. God has graciously allowed me to do both and I am ready to pass the baton. Read my posts, feel free to contact me via email, but my writing about being an adult child of divorce has come to an end. I think I have exhausted just about every possible topic and I am ready to follow and support others who take up the journey of running along side those of us who are on the journey.  I am grateful for all of those who have contacted me, read the blog, and I can't tell you how much of a privilege and blessing it has been to run WITH you these past three years.  I will be ch...

It makes me feel bad that parents who have struggled in their marriages and have chosen to leave feel bad. I don't enjoy hearing about other ACOD's parents who are mourning the choices they have made and the losses they have had due to their affairs or their leaving a long-time marriage.  Feeling badly is not something any of us like to do . ACODs feel bad because other people have made choices that are out of our control that affect us in bad, sad ways.  Older parents who are divorcing feel bad because of their own pain and because of the pain and consequences that their decisions bring. As I have read and counseled and thought a lot about all of this. I have learned that there are at least three levels of feeling badly. Read and think and decide where you fit or where your parent fits. The first level is Regret.  This is the feeling of being disappointed or sad about something that has happened or been done. It is related to a loss or a missed opportunity. ...

I have been avoiding writing this post in my blog because I realize that many acods maintain a relationship with their parents or even the “offending” parent after a late life divorce occurs.   I want to encourage that and hope and pray that many grey divorces do not end with estrangement of parent and child.   But in my own experience and in the lives of other acods who have written to me, or whom I have met, that is not always the case. Often the adult child or the parent chooses estrangement for many reasons. “Offense”, “sin”, “hurt” …call it what you will, but when an adult child has one parent who has made a conscious decision for months or years to betray the other parent,   the adult child learning of the situation is often in disbelief.    Hoping to understand, they talk to the “offending” parent, only to receive defensive language and behavior and the acknowledgment of hurt and pain caused is denied.   Often a lack of personal responsibi...

Many adult children of divorce have a parent or parents who have had an affair that ended the marriage. How we wish our parent had considered their choices more carefully and weighed the consequences more accurately BEFORE they entered into the affair!! Author Rod Arters writes an article of truth and warning about the affects on the person cheating and the family of the cheater.  It should serve as a reality check to those who think that an affair or divorce will not change anything. http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/divorce-and-remarriage/14-things-to-know-before-you-cheat.html

I cried a lion's share of tears a few days ago. It has been a long time since the pain of my parents divorce has brought me to gut wrenching tears, but they came with fierce force. It felt good to face the pain that still is there and to let it out and stand in the face of it. As an adult child of divorce I have written about the sadness, the pain, the anger , the healing, and the moving ahead of being adults when our parents divorce.  My focus on the blog has been to face the issues with strength and honesty. I have tried to view my experience as an adult child of divorce within the greater context of my adult life, which is very much separate from my family of origin, in many ways and relationships. In an attempt to deal with the many and varied issues that stare us in the face and roar loudly in our ears over and over again, I don't want to magnify our experience over other challenges that we and others face. There are many people that need courage. We are just o...

As adult children of divorce we now know how hard it can be! We know what it takes to keep going and to stay strong.  We build emotional muscles and exercise our minds in ways we never had to before. We have to be tough. Being tough and having persistence and determination in the face of difficulty is not something we like to learn. It often is learned when things are hard. Recently I have been observing many marriages, divorces, single people, single parents, and I have come to some loose conclusions. First, I am convinced that when people marry, they are not , nor can not be aware of how difficult the relationships and cares of life can get.  Often a new marriage or relationship brings a feeling of being loved, and there are new experiences and plans and dreams. Without ruining this early love, I think it is good for a new couple to be realistic about the future.  They can not look into their own future, but can look at others who have been married for ...

LETTING GO To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone  else. To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I can’t control another. To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my  hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their  own outcomes.  To let go is not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality.  To let go is not to deny, but to accept. To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them. ...