Reflections of Our Stories


Similarities abound as ACODs begin to share their stories with each other.  Never did I realize when I began this blog that I would find so many people with stories similar to mine. 
Those who have emailed me or commented on the blog have encouraged me as much , if not more , than I hope I have done for my readers.  Thank you to those who have shared their stories with me and those who have read this site.  Unfortunately, we are not alone and if recent statistics are correct, our situation will be shared by many more in the future.

Below is an excerpt from the last paragraph of a paper I ran across online.


“Since 1990 the divorce rate has doubled among persons ages 50 and older. One-quarter of those who divorced in 2009 were ages 50 and older. Future research should address the predictors and consequences of divorce that occurs during middle and older adulthood. As the U.S. population ages, the number of persons ages 50 and older that experience divorce will continue to climb by one-third even if the divorce rate remains unchanged. The rise in divorce among middle-aged and older adults is not only likely to shape the health and well-being of those who experience it directly, but also to have ramifications for the well-being of family members (e.g., children and grandchildren) and intensify the demands placed on the broader institutional support systems available to middle-aged and older adults.”


http://ncfmr.bgsu.edu/pdf/working_papers/file108701.pdf

 National Center for Family and Marriage Research  

Bowling Green State University

 March 2012

Working Paper Series

The Gray Divorce Revolution : Rising Divorce Among Middle-aged and

Older Adults , 1990-2009

 Researched and written by Susan L. Brown and I-Fen Lin



Today my challenge is for us to think of how we can continue to heal personally, but also that we would think of ways we can tell our stories for the good of others.

Just telling someone what has happened to us can bring us a sense of shame or embarrassment,  but it is good that others know late life divorce is a possibility.  Many people are shocked by it (as many of our parents were) and it is good to help people of all ages, especially those married for a long time, to have a reality check.  Long marriages need to be tended to and evaluated regularly.  If you work in the area of counseling or conflict resolution, or spiritual guidance,   will you  keep the needs of older people in mind as you do your work and not forget that they may need marriage seminars or suggestions that relate to their stage in life?

Those who work in the area of our legal system as it relates to divorce,  may think of how they will advise older people who come to them seeking legal help.   Will you suggest a doctor's visit, just in case there is something else going on??   Will you suggest counseling before the papers are drawn up?  What will you suggest for all family members?

If you work in the financial segment of our population, will you help couples be aware that divorce later in life is a possibility?  Will the needs older people have be considered when helping a divorcing couple?

Those who work with medical issues in our older population would be wise to admit that many medical issues contribute to depression and anxiety .  Will you suggest to your patient that unhappiness in older life may need to be addressed medically? 

You get my point.   Wherever we work or live our lives, we need to realize that older adults have marriage issues just like younger people , and we need to realize that maybe we can make a difference as we relate to the older adults in our lives and professions. 

 We need to continue this discussion even if it is difficult.  We are not alone ,and our stories reflect others stories, as adult children of divorce.  The discussion has been immensely helpful to the ACODs I have communicated with.   Let's keep talking, praying and hoping that many late life divorces can be avoided.   And the ones that occur, may we keep talking, and praying and hoping that they can be handled as best as possible , for the sake of the parents, for the adult children and grandchildren , and for everyone affected.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Adult Children of Divorce Sometimes Choose Estrangement

Image
I have been avoiding writing this post in my blog because I realize that many acods maintain a relationship with their parents or even the “offending” parent after a late life divorce occurs.   I want to encourage that and hope and pray that many grey divorces do not end with estrangement of parent and child.   But in my own experience and in the lives of other acods who have written to me, or whom I have met, that is not always the case. Often the adult child or the parent chooses estrangement for many reasons. “Offense”, “sin”, “hurt” …call it what you will, but when an adult child has one parent who has made a conscious decision for months or years to betray the other parent,   the adult child learning of the situation is often in disbelief.    Hoping to understand, they talk to the “offending” parent, only to receive defensive language and behavior and the acknowledgment of hurt and pain caused is denied.   Often a lack of personal responsibility and lack of feeling fami
Read more

Adult Children Of Divorce and Grief

Image
When I first became aware of the stages of grief, I assumed that I would experience it firsthand when someone close to me died,  not when my parents divorced in my adulthood.  As I cried my way through the first days and months of the shock of what was about to happen to my family of orgin, the pain was deep and unbearable at times.  Before the tears came readily and daily I seemed to walk around from task to task while hours ticked away in my day, as I functioned on auto-pilot, but my thoughts were consumed with the surprise and disbelief that my father had another love and would leave my mother and what we knew and loved of family to be with her. I reasoned that he would reconsider, that the affair wasn't as serious as it seemed, and that all would eventually be OK.  Little did I realize that I was experiencing the Stages of Grief due to the great pain and loss that I was experiencing.  The Stages of Grief are expressed by various words in different grief literature.  I wil
Read more

ACODs and Affairs

Many of us ACODs have witnessed the burning down of our families due to the fuel of an affair on the part of one or both of our parents. Affairs can sometimes be "explained away" to a child.  Reasons of friendship, having grown apart, or a new chance at love may seem reasonable to a child, although hurtful. As adults, we are familiar with the concept of affairs and we often observe it from afar in the lives of others, but when the many levels of deception, betrayal and destruction are experienced first or second-hand, there is a deeper clarity and pain. Since the discovery of my father's affair, and subsequent choices of his ended family as we all knew it, I have heard many people refer to affairs in common terms. They may call it a "mistake" or "just an affair".  Some say things like "all sin is the same in God's eyes" or they minimize the personal responsibility by claiming that sometimes people can't "help it". 
Read more