Friday, February 22, 2013

Keep Going!!!

 
Adult Children of Divorce sometimes need to just keep going!  I was reminded of that last week when I took to the slopes for some winter downhill snow skiing.
 
I consider myself a fairly able snow skier. I like the slower , more relaxed trails, so the first run down was nicely comfortable.  My second time down I decided to ride the lift all the way to the top. Not having skied this particular hill before, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into!   The view from the top was spectacular , but when I looked at the slope, I knew I was not prepared!
 
But, prepared or not, I HAD to go down. So, I began down. Skis in the slow/brake position, to prevent myself from going too fast. And before I knew it I was head over heals, laying in the snow!!  I could not "right" myself. I was in one position on my side and just decided that I would let gravity take me down in that position. After a few feet of sliding on my hip and laughing and hoping no other people were looking at me, I realized I needed to have a new plan.
 
So, I righted myself , with the help of my kind husband, who looked on with pity and sweet disbelief.  I decided that I would go down like everyone else. Straight on , feet facing down, in that braking position, but I would just have to keep going!!!
 
I began down in an upright position and before I knew it, instead of toppling head long, I must have leaned backward and I was descending the hill ( which later I found out was a black diamond run) skis on the snow, and my back on the snow as well.  There was nothing I could do. The speed and gravity was holding me down, snow was spraying up under my coat all up my back and into my eyes, my skis were flat on the snow, helping me continue, and all I could do was laugh.  Up over a little hill, airborne, and back down....halfway down that run. 
 
Finally I got to a level area , up righted myself and skied beautifully down the remainder of the easier lower level of the run.  After I had brushed myself off, laughed more at myself, thanked God that I was not hurt, looked around and saw no one staring at me,  I realized that "sometimes you just have to keep going!!".
 
It may not be pretty, you may be unprepared for what is ahead, you may laugh or cry.

The terrain may be unfamiliar, you may be afraid , and you may try different ways to keep moving.  But the most important thing is that you KEEP GOING!!!
As Adult Children of Divorce, when you find yourself in awkward positions, feeling unsure of how to proceed, think of me, and find a way, anyway, to keep going!!  :)

Saturday, February 9, 2013

ACODs and Affairs

Many of us ACODs have witnessed the burning down of our families due to the fuel of an affair on the part of one or both of our parents.

Affairs can sometimes be "explained away" to a child.  Reasons of friendship, having grown apart, or a new chance at love may seem reasonable to a child, although hurtful.

As adults, we are familiar with the concept of affairs and we often observe it from afar in the lives of others, but when the many levels of deception, betrayal and destruction are experienced first or second-hand, there is a deeper clarity and pain.

Since the discovery of my father's affair, and subsequent choices of his ended family as we all knew it, I have heard many people refer to affairs in common terms.

They may call it a "mistake" or "just an affair".  Some say things like "all sin is the same in God's eyes" or they minimize the personal responsibility by claiming that sometimes people can't "help it".   On the outside, looking in, these comments seem to make sense and I think they help us cope with something that is unknown to us.    But when you are on the inside, you realize the depths, intensity, and breadth that the lies and selfcenteredness envelope.

One fellow blogger wrote something like  " a mistake?  NO! 1000 mistakes"....and I would add,  1000 calculated, deliberate decisions.   An emotional spark may have started, but those sparks were fanned and tended to until the fire grew.  Each choice became a choice for self above a spouse, children, grandchildren, friends, family name and legacy.

One of our parents may have fanned a flame, stoked a fire....the other one may have ignored signs of a dull glow or the smell of smoke....and yet another person ( the girlfriend or boyfriend...note "girl" and "boy" ...connotes some immaturity in my view) kept putting logs on the fire of the forbidden.  Some ACODs can not reconcile any or all of these...they can not forgive the offending parent, the betrayed parent or the "friend".  The adult child can not, or will not, or is not able to have a relationship with one or all of the people involved in the aftermath of a burnt out home.

Knowing my parents mutual love had died, and they would not be a cohesive unit any longer destroyed the foundations and the basic structure of my world, even as an adult.
But understanding that another person entered our life without all of our knowledge, permission or blessing and that they fanned the fires of destruction and then stole things that did not belong to them out of the rubble, just rubbed ashes and hot coal into the wounds.

Fire can be debilitating or life-giving.  It can be  injury-inducing, too hot and damaging or it can be warmth, light and security.   Fire-proofing your marriage today is a wise step.
The fires of true intimacy, commitment and togetherness can be encouraged and give energy to those around us, not pain. 

The links below give some very practical tips about being accountable and setting boundaries to make your marriage affair-proof!!  This is important , because as most ACODs will tell you,  an affair is not "just an affair" or " a mistake".  It is a destructive fire, out of control.

http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2012/november/friendships-go-too-far.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-parent-walravens/10-ways-to-affair-proof_b_2167564.html


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

On A Lighter Note


When ACOD blog posts get a bit "heavy" I like to lighten things up by including a quote, cartoon or silly photo.  Here's to all of us ACODs whose backs are getting stronger!!  :)

 

Topics

JANUARY TOPICS : Help and Hope
Grief
Bonds Unravel
Pain
Anger

FEBRUARY TOPICS: Anger
Counseling
Bargaining
Triangles
Honesty
Depression
Waiting
Boundaries

MARCH TOPICS: Accepting Change
Forgiving Parents
Time For Serenity
Things/Objects of Meaning
House
Rings

APRIL TOPICS: Postcard
Holidays
Recipe
Photo Album
Pathway

JUNE/JULY : Reflecting and Writing Again

AUGUST:
Acods and Listening
Acods and Materialism
Acods and Identity

SEPTEMBER:
Serenity Prayer Worksheet
ACODs and Simplicity
A New Look to the Blog!!
Serenity Prayer Extended Version/Worksheet
Simplicity
Why do we Blog???

NOV/DEC:
ACOD Serenity Prayer
ACOD Fathers and Mothers
Things Still Aren't Right This Christmas

Grandchildren of Divorce
ACODs and Affairs
Keep Going
ACOD Forward and Back
Lord' Prayer ACOD version
Ripple Effect
Grief Revisited
Too Many Choices
ACOD Times To Remember
Telling the Truth
Behind the Curtain

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