Time For Serenity

The three year anniversary of me writing this blog has almost arrived! I never in my wildest imagination thought I would write one hundred posts! When I started this journey my goal was two-fold. I needed to express my thoughts which were exploding in my head every day, for my own healing. I also wanted to offer help and hope to others who were experiencing the divorce of their parents when they were adults. God has graciously allowed me to do both and I am ready to pass the baton. Read my posts, feel free to contact me via email, but my writing about being an adult child of divorce has come to an end. I think I have exhausted just about every possible topic and I am ready to follow and support others who take up the journey of running along side those of us who are on the journey.  I am grateful for all of those who have contacted me, read the blog, and I can't tell you how much of a privilege and blessing it has been to run WITH you these past three years.  I will be cheerin

It makes me feel bad that parents who have struggled in their marriages and have chosen to leave feel bad. I don't enjoy hearing about other ACOD's parents who are mourning the choices they have made and the losses they have had due to their affairs or their leaving a long-time marriage.  Feeling badly is not something any of us like to do . ACODs feel bad because other people have made choices that are out of our control that affect us in bad, sad ways.  Older parents who are divorcing feel bad because of their own pain and because of the pain and consequences that their decisions bring. As I have read and counseled and thought a lot about all of this. I have learned that there are at least three levels of feeling badly. Read and think and decide where you fit or where your parent fits. The first level is Regret.  This is the feeling of being disappointed or sad about something that has happened or been done. It is related to a loss or a missed opportunity. The se

I have been avoiding writing this post in my blog because I realize that many acods maintain a relationship with their parents or even the “offending” parent after a late life divorce occurs.   I want to encourage that and hope and pray that many grey divorces do not end with estrangement of parent and child.   But in my own experience and in the lives of other acods who have written to me, or whom I have met, that is not always the case. Often the adult child or the parent chooses estrangement for many reasons. “Offense”, “sin”, “hurt” …call it what you will, but when an adult child has one parent who has made a conscious decision for months or years to betray the other parent,   the adult child learning of the situation is often in disbelief.    Hoping to understand, they talk to the “offending” parent, only to receive defensive language and behavior and the acknowledgment of hurt and pain caused is denied.   Often a lack of personal responsibility and lack of feeling fami

Many adult children of divorce have a parent or parents who have had an affair that ended the marriage. How we wish our parent had considered their choices more carefully and weighed the consequences more accurately BEFORE they entered into the affair!! Author Rod Arters writes an article of truth and warning about the affects on the person cheating and the family of the cheater.  It should serve as a reality check to those who think that an affair or divorce will not change anything. http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/divorce-and-remarriage/14-things-to-know-before-you-cheat.html

I cried a lion's share of tears a few days ago. It has been a long time since the pain of my parents divorce has brought me to gut wrenching tears, but they came with fierce force. It felt good to face the pain that still is there and to let it out and stand in the face of it. As an adult child of divorce I have written about the sadness, the pain, the anger , the healing, and the moving ahead of being adults when our parents divorce.  My focus on the blog has been to face the issues with strength and honesty. I have tried to view my experience as an adult child of divorce within the greater context of my adult life, which is very much separate from my family of origin, in many ways and relationships. In an attempt to deal with the many and varied issues that stare us in the face and roar loudly in our ears over and over again, I don't want to magnify our experience over other challenges that we and others face. There are many people that need courage. We are just o

As adult children of divorce we now know how hard it can be! We know what it takes to keep going and to stay strong.  We build emotional muscles and exercise our minds in ways we never had to before. We have to be tough. Being tough and having persistence and determination in the face of difficulty is not something we like to learn. It often is learned when things are hard. Recently I have been observing many marriages, divorces, single people, single parents, and I have come to some loose conclusions. First, I am convinced that when people marry, they are not , nor can not be aware of how difficult the relationships and cares of life can get.  Often a new marriage or relationship brings a feeling of being loved, and there are new experiences and plans and dreams. Without ruining this early love, I think it is good for a new couple to be realistic about the future.  They can not look into their own future, but can look at others who have been married for a long time. 

LETTING GO To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone  else. To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I can’t control another. To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my  hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their  own outcomes.  To let go is not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality.  To let go is not to deny, but to accept. To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.   To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day

This topic has come up in my mind many times but today after paging through a magazine at the hair studio I decided I am driven to address it today! The magazine featured an ad for a TV show running on USA network called Satisfaction.   The photo shows a couple sitting in bed, separate and still , looking ahead with bored looks on their faces.   The tag line reads something like “ Are you willing to risk your marriage for it?” or something like that. I have not watched the show so possibly my reaction is over the top, but as those of us who are adult children of divorce know,   nothing ever is the same for us. Our reactions and perceptions are forever changed once our parents divorce in our adult years! My reaction was to become angry .   I wanted to answer that question in the minds of each person who sees the show’s ad. I want to scream “NO, your marriage is not worth risking for the feeling of sexual satisfaction that may come from a different relationship!!”.   After

Buyers remorse is a term that has come to mean the feeling of regret  after making a purchase.  A feeling that the cost was too high, or that the risk was too great, can come after we make a financial decision. Sometimes we wish we would have told ourselves to remember our budget. Or to remember an item we were saving for. We wish we wouldn't have spent the way we did, but we have to pay the consequences. Liars remorse can describe the emotion of remorse after telling or living a lie.  The realization that the loss is large and the repercussions many, can come after we deceive or lead others to believe things that are not true. Children of divorce, at younger ages, don't always know , or can't distinguish the factors that led to their parents divorce.  Adult children often can smell the rat, or have gathered evidence , from an adult perspective that reveals one or both parents as liars. Just as our parents lied to us, they probably lied to themselves. They fooled t

The House, The Rings, Recipes, Photo Album, ....... As adult children of divorce, physical remembrances of what was , and now what is, can be very difficult. Look at some of my old posts and I hope it helps you come to grips with your new reality! The Rings The House The Recipe The Postcard The Photo Album The Holiday The Pathway

Eleven years has passed since my journey as an Adult Child of Divorce began with a fateful phone call.  As I talked to my pastor a few weeks later, he said something about "years" and I remember my thoughts screaming " Years???!!!  I can't bear this another day! And things need to get back to normal by Thanksgiving six months from now, so we can go on as we always have!!"  His understanding and experience with divorce and how it affects families, gave him a long-term perspective. He was aware that huge changes in a family don't generally resolve quickly!!  Although that view was so very unsettling to me, it was probably good for me to hear right away.  Time would come and go and things would change and there was little I could do to change that. Through the last eleven years of grieving and healing and continuing to deal with the aftermath of my parents divorce,  I have learned that it is OK to take our time, as adult children.  Take your time grie

Top Ten Reasons Adult Children React Negatively When Parents Divorce 1.     The adult child’s sense of normalcy, security and support is taken away. 2.     The adult child is positioned between his or her parents and often a difficult decision of supporting one over the other is forced upon them. 3.     The adult child is put in a situations of answering to family and friends about a parents poor choices. 4.     The adult child often is a part of conflict with his or her siblings as a result of the parent’s divorce and the way each sibling thinks and acts as a result. 5.     The adult child has to answer to his or her children about compromising lifestyle choices of their grandparent and may watch as family values decline as the younger generation watches the older generations behavior. 6.     The adult child may need to make sacrifices in their own life to help and support a parent that is alone. 7.     The adult child may see strain and conflict in the

I like Checkups.  Maybe not everyone does, but I like my dental checkups once a year. I look forward to going to my doctor to talk about my general health.  When our car is scheduled for a yearly service appointment, I feel a sense of relief.  Most of the time, I go along in my life without paying much attention to my teeth, my blood pressure or the faint noise in the engine in my car.  When I go to the checkup, I am happy that I have a second person paying attention to things that I may be so used to that I am inadvertently ignoring them.  In marriage, and in personal life, especially if you are an adult child of divorce, checkups can be so valuable.  A yearly appointment with a trained counselor or a trusted pastor can help you deal with issues before they need "surgery" , so to speak.   Sometimes the checkup will expose a problem you didn't'know you had, or it will enable you to voice your concerns about something that is nagging at you , but isn't a big p

Yesterday I had a unique experience.  My paths crossed with three women who have survived the pain of betrayal and broken promises.  Each woman has a different story, but their journey to wholeness has been an inspiration to me!! The first woman I saw yesterday was my mother.  Five years ago my heart broke each time I saw her.  Her agony was evident in every area of her life.  Her physical and emotional health was at risk.  We all wondered if we would ever have her "back" the way she used to be. To see a woman who had given all for her family have to endure the destruction of her family because of her husband's choices added to my grief! How could she go on? Would this destroy her? The second woman I saw yesterday was a friend I met in Divorce Care.  The support group I sought out was designed for people going through divorce. Although it was my parents ,, and not me, experiencing the divorce, I found the Divorce Care support group at my church to be extremely he

Adult children of divorce experience burglary.  Things are taken.  Stealing takes place.  They are violated.  The parent sees only the boxes they are packing to carry on to their new life.  The leaving parent views what has been given in the past as most important.  The parent who is "moving on" takes belongings, photos, family heirlooms, and they take SO much more!!! Adult children of divorce are left looking at rooms and spaces in their literal family homes, and the recesses of their minds.  The areas are empty or half full now.  They may be strewn with debris and bring a feeling of chaos and insecurity.   Even when they are cleaned, re-arranged , and filled with new furnishings, the memory of the burglary still haunts and changes the behavior in those rooms. Adult children of divorce have a lot taken when one or both parents decide to leave. If you are a parent of adult children and you are considering divorce, realize the enormous changes and hurts your actions wi

When we are in pain , Children of Divorce , and others dealing with other loss, often look for signs.  Some people see "signs" in a lot of happenings, and others choose to look at life more objectively.  I have tried to have a balanced view of "signs" , understanding that some things have reasons for how or why they happen , but at other times, we simply can not explain something that happens, except for that it may be somewhat supernatural. Two years ago , right around Valentines Day,  as I was experiencing continued pain and adjustment to my parents divorce, I asked God to provide me with some sign of His love.   Something to help me know He was still there and there was still a purpose to all that was going on. The photo above shows you what I saw a few days later. The water in my terracotta  birdbath had become icy in a perfect heart shape.  I have never seen this before or since!!  The "sign" made me smile and warmed my wintry heart!!!   As

  Adult children of late life divorce know what it means to have a family reputation   change.   What was, isn’t anymore, and we have to answer to that in our communities. Moving back to my hometown had been challenging.   There are good memories and bad memories that return as I drive the streets and visit the restaurants and places of the past.   Understanding that my perceptions of my childhood were not always what I thought them to be is hard at times. But answering to others in the community about my family and where we are today is one of the most difficult things I have encountered. My job takes me into the community. I rub shoulders with others who have lived here for a long time. I was gone for over thirty years. I am not the same person I was when I lived here as a child. Neither is my family the same. Yet often, people don’t know what has happened.   I inevitably meet people whom I recognize from my childhood or I make the “mistake” of excitedly and warmly

A book by me ,  for us Adult Children of Divorce.  May it provide what it claims : Help to get through , and Hope for the future.   Click HERE

As an adult child of divorce , turning the calendar over to the year 2014 causes me to wonder what this year has in store for me as I navigate the continued aftermath of my parents divorce.  I enthusiastically wished many people a "Happy New Year" a few days ago, and yet I wonder, "what will be new about it?" and "what will make it happy?" When my parents first divorced, many things were new. There were many new hurts, new questions, and new relationship issues.  Yet, on a grander scale, I understood that "there is nothing new under the sun" ( Eccl. 1:9)  My family was not the first to experience the effects of divorce, nor would it be the last. The road of divorce has been well-traveled, unfortunately.  But I had not been on the road before, so it was new to me!!! In many ways , a new year is similar.  Another day, just on a new page of the calendar. A series of days and weeks that is very familiar to many other minutes and hours of ot