Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Grandchildren of Divorce




Adult Children of Divorce often have children of their own.  Our hurt and confusion of how to handle the divorce of our parents and the changes that occur do not end with us.  Our own children are affected and that in turn , affects us as well. 

Below is an excerpt ( which I changed a little bit) that I had written a few years ago on a blog ( walking on eggshellz ) on a forum page.  This blog was an incredible encouragement to me as I felt I was not alone in my feelings as an adult who was in pain due to my parents late life divorce.

My age ( 40's) did separate me from the others who blogged .  Most of them were in their early twenties and I have learned to have empathy for their struggle at that crossroads of life.  Although we related on many levels, my feelings concerning how I dealt with MY children and how my children dealt with their divorcing grandparents caused me to reflect in the following words.

Several years and situations have come and gone since my writing below, I could add more, but I want to protect my children and their experience.  May I just say that they have experienced profound pain and asking deep questions and also have been caused to consider the meaning of commitment, integrity and perseverance as they have faced being grandchildren of divorce.  May God give grace to those young people who face this unique challenge!!


One of the most deep pains of the process of dealing with a parents divorce as an adult is when it comes to explaining it to your children. "Child, I need to tell you something...your grandparents , whom you love dearly and have been there for almost 2 decades of your life, are divorcing , due to your grandfather's continued infidelity"...... now those were not the exact words I used, in fact, I could not use words. I wrote my child who lived at home a letter. I knew I could never say what I wanted to . We sat them down and I read the letter. We both cried and I watched my child mourn and grieve and try to be strong for ME, the next several months. I waited for my other child to finish the college semester. I didnt' want the news to ruin finals. As soon as the car left college and headed for home ,I  read "the letter" so I made sure I said what I wanted to.

A parent wanting to protect their children. That was me. I hated to see them experience pain and wrong and although I hate the experience that myself, there is nothing worse than watching your child go through a difficult time. I wished I could take all the pain and not have to share it with them. But their childhood innocence ( although not completely perfect as late teens), was taken away to a greater extent those days. And the loss was the doing of someone we all loved ,....and family....

I watched my children grieve. I grieved. I tried to talk about it at times, knowing that is good, but I could hardly talk without crying , which made them terribly uncomfortable. I told them of things I was learning in counseling and urged them to do the same. I urged them to be truthful and to not lie and to keep commitments.

I tried to figure out what to tell them of what i knew. Enough to process, not too much to ruin their remaining trust in any shred of goodness in humanity.

The struggle continues. I pray that God turns something good out of this bad situation. I hope I have wisdom to know how to help my children deal with this as time progresses, and wisdom to know when to let them to learning the lessons on their own.

They see their mother cry less often. They hear the old laughter from their mother that was gone for years. They know healing does happen.

But I am still so sorry for their legacy and their pain. I guess they found out that the world had hurtful things in it, too. I just did not want them to find out in this way.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

ACOD blog anniversary


ACOD blog followers:  Happy 1st Anniversary!! 

A year ago I overcame my fears and insecurities and committed to beginning a relationship with unknown people who may come together in our challenges of being Adult Children Of Divorce.

It has been a tremendous blessing to me and I am grateful for those of you who have emailed or commented and just read a page or two of the blog.

I sincerely hope that we have all gained strength in knowing we are not alone and courage as we share and read how others in our situation move ahead in healthy ways.

Happy 1st Anniversary to the Blog !!  And blessings to the blog followers!!

Topics

JANUARY TOPICS : Help and Hope
Grief
Bonds Unravel
Pain
Anger

FEBRUARY TOPICS: Anger
Counseling
Bargaining
Triangles
Honesty
Depression
Waiting
Boundaries

MARCH TOPICS: Accepting Change
Forgiving Parents
Time For Serenity
Things/Objects of Meaning
House
Rings

APRIL TOPICS: Postcard
Holidays
Recipe
Photo Album
Pathway

JUNE/JULY : Reflecting and Writing Again

AUGUST:
Acods and Listening
Acods and Materialism
Acods and Identity

SEPTEMBER:
Serenity Prayer Worksheet
ACODs and Simplicity
A New Look to the Blog!!
Serenity Prayer Extended Version/Worksheet
Simplicity
Why do we Blog???

NOV/DEC:
ACOD Serenity Prayer
ACOD Fathers and Mothers
Things Still Aren't Right This Christmas

Grandchildren of Divorce
ACODs and Affairs
Keep Going
ACOD Forward and Back
Lord' Prayer ACOD version
Ripple Effect
Grief Revisited
Too Many Choices
ACOD Times To Remember
Telling the Truth
Behind the Curtain

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