ACOD Fathers and Mothers



Adult Children of Divorce usually have one parent who has been more influential in the breakup of the parent's marriage.  Sometimes it is mutually decided, but in my contact with many other ACODs I have found that it is very common that one parent decides to have a new life.

Many other ACODs share that the "leaving" parent has made statements about finally being able to do what they want to, or comments that now it is their time to be selfish.  It is hard work being a mother or a father, but intrinsic is the opportunity to put your children's well-being above your own.  I can't imagine doing that for multiple decades, as I have only been a parent for 23 years , but it is my goal to do nothing that will put my children's well-being in jeopardy. No matter how old they are , or I am. 

Often a part of the picture is an affair.  In my case, my father had an affair and made a choice that life apart of the family , and instead with his girlfriend, was his desired path.  I believe he had an idea of what that path would look like.  Sadly familiar , also,  is the sentiment that many "leaving" parents have that they think everyone can get along like "one big happy family".  From what I have experienced and what I have read of others' experiences, nothing could be further from the truth.  It is a deception that does not fit with reality.

I have often told people that I know my father loves me, but he just loves himself more.
Many of you ACODs out there can identify.  Maybe it is your father, or maybe your mother. The men who are having affairs are obviously having them with women , who are mothers, and grandmothers.  I can only imagine how hard it is to feel confused about the word "mother".

My conflict comes with the word "father".  No longer does it conjure up feelings and meaning of security, love, dependability, etc.  In fact, in the beginning of my acod journey, just hearing the word, or singing it in lyrics in church, etc...would bring me to tears. My identity was closely tied to my parents as a unit and my mother and father separately as well. Knowing I did not have the same father I thought I had created much despair.

Where could I find a loving, unselfish, caring father?  Was there a father I could trust?
Could the word "father" have positive meaning again?

Thankfully , I already had a relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I had been spiritually reborn many years ago after realizing my need for a savior.  I had asked God to be real to me to teach me and guide me and to accept me , not on my own merits, but because of what Jesus had done for me as he took my place on the cross.   In this, I became a daughter of God.   In the aftermath of my father leaving our family the Father-hood of God took on new and precious meaning!!


Psalm 68:5    " A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling"

Even though many of our fathers ( and mothers ) are still living and may be involved in our lives at some level, we feel father-less and mother-less.  What we needed from them we did not get early in our lives , or we did not get in these later years as they have divorced.

Even as this Christmas Season approaches I am reminded that Jesus is called many names, and one is our Everlasting Father.   As you contemplate your father or mother and how your feelings have changed about the word, and their relationship to you, may you find a new security in a heavenly rebirth, into a new family , with a new Father.  I am walking hand in hand with Him.  I am praying you are too!

Isaiah 9:6    " For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace"

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