I have been avoiding writing this post in my blog because I realize that many acods maintain a relationship with their parents or even the “offending” parent after a late life divorce occurs. I want to encourage that and hope and pray that many grey divorces do not end with estrangement of parent and child. But in my own experience and in the lives of other acods who have written to me, or whom I have met, that is not always the case. Often the adult child or the parent chooses estrangement for many reasons. “Offense”, “sin”, “hurt” …call it what you will, but when an adult child has one parent who has made a conscious decision for months or years to betray the other parent, the adult child learning of the situation is often in disbelief. Hoping to understand, they talk to the “offending” parent, only to receive defensive language and behavior and the acknowledgment of hurt and pain caused is denied. Often a lack of personal responsibi...
It makes me feel bad that parents who have struggled in their marriages and have chosen to leave feel bad. I don't enjoy hearing about other ACOD's parents who are mourning the choices they have made and the losses they have had due to their affairs or their leaving a long-time marriage. Feeling badly is not something any of us like to do . ACODs feel bad because other people have made choices that are out of our control that affect us in bad, sad ways. Older parents who are divorcing feel bad because of their own pain and because of the pain and consequences that their decisions bring. As I have read and counseled and thought a lot about all of this. I have learned that there are at least three levels of feeling badly. Read and think and decide where you fit or where your parent fits. The first level is Regret. This is the feeling of being disappointed or sad about something that has happened or been done. It is related to a loss or a missed opportunity. ...
Often holiday traditions are consistent and ingrained in family celebrations, and you really don't think much about them until you become an Adult Child of Divorce. There is an expected and anticipated element of how the day will be designed and of what the holiday means to us individually and collectively. The routine behind the turkey being prepared with grandma's special dressing or the vision you have of the tree in the front yard decorated with plastic Easter eggs almost goes unnoticed until things change. What really is a holiday? A time to take a break from work and responsibility to celebrate either a person's birth, or a day of religious or cultural importance. A holiday captures meaning in the significance of the specific day , but it also symbolizes a shared consistency and connectedness that is celebrated among family members amidst a life of change and difficulty. It brings us back to the past and makes us r...
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