Time For Serenity

The idea of "our home" or "dad and mom's house" changes dramatically in the life of an adult child of divorce.  The home may have been a place of fighting and disagreements or it may have been a place of laughter and love, or some of each, but regardless, it was a place of familiarity.  A place of belonging and where we had a sense of security.  As adults, we knew that both of our parents would not always live there. We knew that they would grow older and move or die and we knew that the house is not the "home", that the people are.  We didn't think one would leave out of their own free will.  When parents divorce, one parent leaves the house and sometimes both leave. The leaving is not a part of death, it is caused by a choice and that is part of the reason that a divorce seems worse than a death often to the children. After parents divorce, adult children may experience their childhood home or the familiar home of their parents being...

This little wren has brought me much joy . I have known all about him and his coming and going ( literally) and he has just discovered me!! Bird watching and feeding has been passed down through the women in my family. The enjoyment we get from seeing the amazing color and activity has helped us understand God.  Images of God caring for the birds ("Look at the birds,....your Heavenly Father feeds them Are you not much more valuable than they?" Matthew 6:26)  and images of God covering us and sheltering us with His wings ( Psalm 91:4) has made me watch these little creatures with wonder , realizing I am similar to the birds! This morning the reality became even more vivid. I had attached a window bird house/box to my home for many years , but this year a wren became interested for the first time. The birdhouse is unique in that I can look out of my window and see INTO the back of the bird's nest.  First , I began seeing a little twig or two in the empty box...

As an adult, I had experienced periods of depression in my life due to changes and losses I had experienced.  I had walked the dark valley of clinical depression with some friends and family.  But when the loss of my parents impending divorce began to "hit me" I realized that I had entered a new dimension in the way my body and mind and emotions were reacting.  What did I feel like? What do you feel like? How can you tell if a friend whose parents are divorcing is becoming seriously depressed?  The symptoms of depression are many and varied.  If you or a loved one are exhibiting any of the following changes, it is imperative to pay close attention. My first obvious sign or symptom was :  EXTREME SADNESS I did alot of crying, alot of my days, and at times had a physical pain in my heart, as well as low moods irregardless of the circumstances in my own life. Another apparent set of changes were : CHANGE IN SLEEP, EATING , ENERGY and CONCEN...

Materialism is an issue that everyone has to face...not only adult children of divorce, but is the tendency stronger for us?  And if that is true , what do we do about it?? According to research conducted and compiled by Tim Kasser, author of The High Price of Materialism there is a correlation between children who grew up in homes of divorce and the need for security which is manifested often in a higher degree of consumerism. His book covers a wealth of information challenging the idea that greater wealth leads to greater happiness. He proposes, in fact, that the opposite is true.  As an adult child of divorce, I realize that the statistics that relate to children whose parents divorced are different than the statistics that relate to children who are adults when their parents divorce. But my ears perk up now whenever I hear the word divorce, and I was interested in this theory and how it may relate to us ACODs. Kasser's reasoning seemed to go something like this: Whe...

As adult children of divorce we now know how hard it can be! We know what it takes to keep going and to stay strong.  We build emotional muscles and exercise our minds in ways we never had to before. We have to be tough. Being tough and having persistence and determination in the face of difficulty is not something we like to learn. It often is learned when things are hard. Recently I have been observing many marriages, divorces, single people, single parents, and I have come to some loose conclusions. First, I am convinced that when people marry, they are not , nor can not be aware of how difficult the relationships and cares of life can get.  Often a new marriage or relationship brings a feeling of being loved, and there are new experiences and plans and dreams. Without ruining this early love, I think it is good for a new couple to be realistic about the future.  They can not look into their own future, but can look at others who have been married for ...

When parents of adult children divorce, the adult children bear more burden and responsibility than younger children whose parents are divorcing.  Some parents take a united position in telling the adult children and encourage discussion and open sharing.  Most do not.   Some adult children are able to recognize from the beginning ( of the end of the parents marriage) that they need to carefully walk through the minefield of emotions and unexpected decisions that are being made before their very eyes.  Most do not.  There are many extremes and inbetweens.  But something common to all adult children of divorce is the impact that "things" will have or do have on them.   "Things" can be material objects,like a ring or a hand-written letter.  They can be "things" that evoke a feeling, like a song or a old photo.  "Things" can be a recipe or a lawn ornament or a place on a map.   In some ...

The House, The Rings, Recipes, Photo Album, ....... As adult children of divorce, physical remembrances of what was , and now what is, can be very difficult. Look at some of my old posts and I hope it helps you come to grips with your new reality! The Rings The House The Recipe The Postcard The Photo Album The Holiday The Pathway

How many of us have looked at that old t-shirt in our drawer and wondered why we even keep it.  The color is faded, it may be too small or too big.  Misshapen or full of a few select holes, it still feels the most comfortable and is the wardrobe choice we go to when we want comfort, consistency and a sense of the familiar. To liken marriage or divorce to wearing an old t-shirt is not completely a perfect analogy, but it may work as we talk about late life divorce.  According to an article in AARP's magazine from November 2012 called Why Long Married Couples Split    one of the reasons we see more later life divorces is because of a change in the number of real or perceived life choices. Boomers live longer and like an old t-shirt, marriages fade and become less than they were in some respects as people age.  The colors may not be as vibrant, the "fit" may be different than before, and we may just tire of the look.  Boomers who ha...

We have weathered a few seasons together as we have taken time for serenity amidst our sometimes chaotic lives as adult children of divorce.  I am grateful for each person who has read my perspective as an ACOD over the past few months. The seasons have changed since I began blogging and now I plan to enter a season of rest from blogging for awhile. I am not sure how long this rest will be, but while I take a season of rest , you may be finding this blog in a season of panic or shock or depression.  I encourage you to look at the subjects and titles below to find posts that may be of most help to you where you are today. Then come back and visit the site on another day when there is another need you may have.  You will find a bit of help and hope when you find time for serenity. Feel free to contact me personally via my email  serenitytime8@gmail.com   and I will be sure to respond.   **** Go to the main page and on the left to...

WELCOME:   Creating a place for Adult Children of Divorce of every age to come for a bit of hope and help has been a desire of mine as I have navigated the rough waters of finding my place within the aftermath of my parent's divorce.  The counsel I have found and from which I have benefited in the past few years is what I will share with all of us in an effort to encourage us that we are not alone and there is hope. May this place be where we can all go to move us toward times of serenity and peace within our circumstances.   ABOUT ME:   I am a 50 some-thing adult child of divorce who has been married more than 30 years myself. My parents divorced after years of what I thought was family closeness and no sign of what was coming. Within the past few years I have received wonderful help and counsel and I want to share with others who are going through a parent's divorce. You may be 20 or 50 and experiencing this change in your life and I hope we can help each...