Time For Serenity

LETTING GO To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone  else. To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I can’t control another. To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my  hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their  own outcomes.  To let go is not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality.  To let go is not to deny, but to accept. To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them. ...

This topic has come up in my mind many times but today after paging through a magazine at the hair studio I decided I am driven to address it today! The magazine featured an ad for a TV show running on USA network called Satisfaction.   The photo shows a couple sitting in bed, separate and still , looking ahead with bored looks on their faces.   The tag line reads something like “ Are you willing to risk your marriage for it?” or something like that. I have not watched the show so possibly my reaction is over the top, but as those of us who are adult children of divorce know,   nothing ever is the same for us. Our reactions and perceptions are forever changed once our parents divorce in our adult years! My reaction was to become angry .   I wanted to answer that question in the minds of each person who sees the show’s ad. I want to scream “NO, your marriage is not worth risking for the feeling of sexual satisfaction that may come from a different relat...

Buyers remorse is a term that has come to mean the feeling of regret  after making a purchase.  A feeling that the cost was too high, or that the risk was too great, can come after we make a financial decision. Sometimes we wish we would have told ourselves to remember our budget. Or to remember an item we were saving for. We wish we wouldn't have spent the way we did, but we have to pay the consequences. Liars remorse can describe the emotion of remorse after telling or living a lie.  The realization that the loss is large and the repercussions many, can come after we deceive or lead others to believe things that are not true. Children of divorce, at younger ages, don't always know , or can't distinguish the factors that led to their parents divorce.  Adult children often can smell the rat, or have gathered evidence , from an adult perspective that reveals one or both parents as liars. Just as our parents lied to us, they probably lied to themselves. They f...

The House, The Rings, Recipes, Photo Album, ....... As adult children of divorce, physical remembrances of what was , and now what is, can be very difficult. Look at some of my old posts and I hope it helps you come to grips with your new reality! The Rings The House The Recipe The Postcard The Photo Album The Holiday The Pathway

Eleven years has passed since my journey as an Adult Child of Divorce began with a fateful phone call.  As I talked to my pastor a few weeks later, he said something about "years" and I remember my thoughts screaming " Years???!!!  I can't bear this another day! And things need to get back to normal by Thanksgiving six months from now, so we can go on as we always have!!"  His understanding and experience with divorce and how it affects families, gave him a long-term perspective. He was aware that huge changes in a family don't generally resolve quickly!!  Although that view was so very unsettling to me, it was probably good for me to hear right away.  Time would come and go and things would change and there was little I could do to change that. Through the last eleven years of grieving and healing and continuing to deal with the aftermath of my parents divorce,  I have learned that it is OK to take our time, as adult children.  Take your tim...

Top Ten Reasons Adult Children React Negatively When Parents Divorce 1.     The adult child’s sense of normalcy, security and support is taken away. 2.     The adult child is positioned between his or her parents and often a difficult decision of supporting one over the other is forced upon them. 3.     The adult child is put in a situations of answering to family and friends about a parents poor choices. 4.     The adult child often is a part of conflict with his or her siblings as a result of the parent’s divorce and the way each sibling thinks and acts as a result. 5.     The adult child has to answer to his or her children about compromising lifestyle choices of their grandparent and may watch as family values decline as the younger generation watches the older generations behavior. 6.     The adult child may need to make sacrifices in their own life to help and sup...

I like Checkups.  Maybe not everyone does, but I like my dental checkups once a year. I look forward to going to my doctor to talk about my general health.  When our car is scheduled for a yearly service appointment, I feel a sense of relief.  Most of the time, I go along in my life without paying much attention to my teeth, my blood pressure or the faint noise in the engine in my car.  When I go to the checkup, I am happy that I have a second person paying attention to things that I may be so used to that I am inadvertently ignoring them.  In marriage, and in personal life, especially if you are an adult child of divorce, checkups can be so valuable.  A yearly appointment with a trained counselor or a trusted pastor can help you deal with issues before they need "surgery" , so to speak.   Sometimes the checkup will expose a problem you didn't'know you had, or it will enable you to voice your concerns about something that is nagging at y...