Time For Serenity

Adult Children of Divorce and others who have experienced loss , often feel conflicted at this time of year.  Holidays often bring warm , happy feelings and well-wishes, good food and gifts of many kinds.  For those who are grieving , the messages we receive from others may not match with the way we feel at the moment. Henry W. Longfellow experienced this on Christmas Day in 1863.  His wife had recently died in an accident , and his oldest son was serving as a Union soldier in the American Civil War, without his father's blessing.  Henry penned his poem "Christmas Bells" when he was feeling the conflict, of the hope and good news of the season, yet feeling his own personal loss at the same time.  Later the poem was put to music. I have always loved the sound and melody of the song, but only recently truly read and thought about Longfellow's words.  And I added a few stanzas of my own, as follows: I heard the bells on Christmas Day Their old, familiar car

Many adult children of divorce have prodigal parents. Today I re-read Luke 15: 11- 32 which is given the heading "The parable of the Lost Son" or "The parable of the Prodigal Son" . Jesus told this story as a response to religious leaders as they questioned why Jesus was speaking to an audience of "sinners".  The story illustrates a father welcoming a wayward son home, just as God welcomes a humble, repentant man or woman back into fellowship with him after they have strayed. If you are an adult child of divorce you likely have a lost or prodigal parent. They leave, go off on their own , and pursue their own lives and pleasures. Often we, as children, are left to wait. We have to let them go. Sometimes this means distance, sometimes estrangement. We wonder if they will ever "come to their senses" as the son in the parable does. We hope for that and pray for that and we wait. And we hurt. In the book "Parenting your Adult Chi

Adult Children of Divorce need other Adult Children of Divorce. I am grateful to those who have contacted me and shared their stories and what their struggle entails as they journey through being an adult child of divorce.  The feeling that we are not alone is a great consolation to each other. Thanks for all those who read my blog. I am thankful for you and do remember you in my prayers at this time of thanksgiving !!!

The word Serenity caught my eye.  A new online site is committed to helping us achieve a little peace in our busy , challenging lives.  The quote below is what I read just a few minutes ago: "For many of us, weekdays mean being stressed, overworked and constantly connected, with little time for pause or reflection. When the weekend comes around, it can be difficult to de-stress, slow down and unplug. What we need is an oasis of well-being, wisdom and wonder. Enter Serenity Saturdays......"       The site encouraged people to send in photos of them relaxing, enjoying and taking time for enjoyment today. If I am to be truthful, which I want to be and try to be,  even though my name is Serenity, I must admit that the state of serenity does not come to me naturally.  My husband and family and close friends will tell you that often I am nothing of the sort!!!  When I began my blog, I chose the name Serenity because that is what I want.   I learn, pray , counsel and read ,

  Over five years have passed since I began processing my father's affair and the soon-to-follow end of my parent's 45 year marriage.  Grief was loud and dissonant as my life's sweet sound became a irritating and unpleasant ringing in my ear.  I knew as I processed grief and tried to reach out to other ACODs that we would need to leave our deep feelings of anger, depression, sadness, etc. and focus on lighter things. You and I  would need to learn to step away from the drumming of constant thoughts and emotions to hear again the music of serenity.      That is why I try to put a post entitled " On A Lighter Note" in my blog occasionally. A funny joke, or a light message of courage is all I can handle some days, when I need a reprieve.  Today I need that again.  It is not a cartoon, or a quote today, but today it is music. My fingers on the piano , relieving stress and listening to the harmony of sound helps soothe my re-opened wounds.  Singing at the top

Adult Children of Divorce just want to blend in, but sometimes we stick out. As I arrived at the Christian Writers Conference I was recently invited to, my goal was to learn about what it takes to be a writer, what is involved in publishing an article or a book, and to just observe. Observe, blend in and quietly learn. I drove down the winding road toward the conference center, past a shimmering lake, allowing myself to breathe in the cool calm.   Walking into the room, I was greeted by a welcomed familiar face and others who were displaying welcome. Centerpieces of painting supplies on each table dripped the theme of creating, whether it be by brush, or pen. Realizing that the frog out of water down by the lake probably felt less uneasy than I did, I determined to act like I belonged.  These were writers. Real writers. Those who write for a living. Those who know how to pay attention to words, adverbs, sentence structure, and write many drafts before they are satisfied. I hav

This little wren has brought me much joy . I have known all about him and his coming and going ( literally) and he has just discovered me!! Bird watching and feeding has been passed down through the women in my family. The enjoyment we get from seeing the amazing color and activity has helped us understand God.  Images of God caring for the birds ("Look at the birds,....your Heavenly Father feeds them Are you not much more valuable than they?" Matthew 6:26)  and images of God covering us and sheltering us with His wings ( Psalm 91:4) has made me watch these little creatures with wonder , realizing I am similar to the birds! This morning the reality became even more vivid. I had attached a window bird house/box to my home for many years , but this year a wren became interested for the first time. The birdhouse is unique in that I can look out of my window and see INTO the back of the bird's nest.  First , I began seeing a little twig or two in the empty box.  Then I

Telling the truth is something Adult Children of Divorce see as a lost art. Often before a divorce, during the process , and long after mom and dad separate for good, there is a string of lies on the part of one or both parents.  When I confronted my father on his lies, he said " Serenity ( not my real name) ,  Everyone lies!!"   Almost as if because it is so common, it should be accepted.  To me, lies undermine trust and credibility and I want truth. I want to be a truth-teller and to be spoken to , in truth. Early in my blogging I wrote a post that I have linked to , below. If you are struggling to know the truth in your situation,  or working to tell the truth,  or sifting through what others tell you , keep honesty before you!! Words are important.  Jesus says over and over in the gospels, "I tell you the truth".  And the book of proverbs, which encourages wise living, speaks often about telling the truth. Proverbs 12 :18  "Reckless word

Adult Children of Divorce can't decide if they like calendars or not! You flip the page on your calendar and see May 9th and the ache deepens once again. That was the day you got the call that your mother was leaving your father for another man. This is a date you don't want to think about. You see pumpkins , smell leaves burning, and feel a cool autumn breeze . Later as you turn the calendar from September to October you no longer have warm, nostalgic feelings the way you normally do.  Instead, you feel a lump in your throat.  Last Fall you attended your parents divorce , and nothing has ever been the same again. Plans for Easter are made, but the whole time you feel unsettled and can't quite figure out why.  Then you remember that was the time you usually celebrated mom's birthday and now you hardly keep in contact with her.  This is a time you don't like to remember anymore. Remembering negative times and bad memories is common. Our bodies ar

How many of us have looked at that old t-shirt in our drawer and wondered why we even keep it.  The color is faded, it may be too small or too big.  Misshapen or full of a few select holes, it still feels the most comfortable and is the wardrobe choice we go to when we want comfort, consistency and a sense of the familiar. To liken marriage or divorce to wearing an old t-shirt is not completely a perfect analogy, but it may work as we talk about late life divorce.  According to an article in AARP's magazine from November 2012 called Why Long Married Couples Split    one of the reasons we see more later life divorces is because of a change in the number of real or perceived life choices. Boomers live longer and like an old t-shirt, marriages fade and become less than they were in some respects as people age.  The colors may not be as vibrant, the "fit" may be different than before, and we may just tire of the look.  Boomers who have this attitude become discontent

Today I remember Grief. He is a companion that comes and goes, sometimes unannounced and other times I know he is coming.  He has visited again.  And he is visiting others about whom I care deeply.  He has visited a coworker  as she faces legal issues concerning a late life divorce.  He has visited a family who is reeling from the unexpected news that a father and grandfather has broken vows of marital faithfulness. He comes and he goes and we must deal with him.    My journey blogging began when I decided to write about how Grief had visited me and how I had had received help to deal with him.  Please go to the bottom of the Time For Serenity blog to see the earliest posts I wrote. They follow the stages of grief ( shock, denial, anger, depression, etc.) and may be helpful when Grief comes to visit you !! http://acodtimeforserenity.blogspot.com/2012/01/adult-children-of-divorce-and-grief.html Grief is real because loss is real. Each grief has its own imprint, as distincti

Imagine with me a pond.  The clear , still water reflecting trees above.  A sense of stability and consistency abounds.  Sounds in the distance resound like a whisper. Time stands still .  Plop!  A pebble is dropped off the shore and immediately there is movement. Circles of change begin around the pebble's imprint.  Creases of water move , slowly , but ever increasing and ever expanding.  Soon the outer ripples lap against the shore with a soft resonance.  Fish have been disturbed, a bird has fluttered away, and people have watched with eyes mesmerized as the ripple effect has once again captured those who are near. Imagining that scene reminds me that you and I are the pebbles, in the ponds of our relationships and what we do will be felt by others.  The pond is made up of close family, extended family , friends, coworkers , community and society as a whole.   Our pebble's effect can be positive or negative and much of it we are in control of and responsibl

Matthew 6:9-13 is one record of the Lord's Prayer.  Jesus prayed!!  If he needed to, so do I!!   After teaching about rules ( Matthew 5 and 6) , murder, adultery, divorce, vengeance, enemies, giving to the needy ( and who says Jesus isn't relevant?) , etc.....he comes to the topic of prayer. He tells his disciples ( and us) HOW to pray.  The Lord's Prayer gives us a format. God knows I have spent much time thinking and praying about rules, adultery, divorce, vengeance, etc, and MORE since my parent's late-life divorce.  Here's my attempt to use Jesus' format to give an example of what conversation between us ACODs and God may look like.  May it get all of us started talking to God!!! Our Father in Heaven        Some of us have lost relationship with our earthly fathers or mothers and we still need what a father or mother can give Hallowed Be Your Name    Who you are is holy, set apart from all other fathers and mothers ---and may it stay

  I have been an ACOD for almost 5 years. I only began writing a little over a year ago. In the past , my mind was racing, everything I was thinking about , processing, having to physically deal with, and practically do after the fall-out of my parent's marriage came fast and furious.   Now, I still have a lot to process and new information from the past, or new situations of today come into my world, but the daily mental and emotional and physical toll has become lessened with time and my ACOD thoughts do not consume me, and life is at a more normal pace again.   My writing at first mimicked what I describe above.  Words came, thoughts came, things counselors said were fresh and I wrote. You read . And I am grateful for what it has meant.   Now , my thoughts come less often and less intense. I am often not sure what other ACODS want to hear.  At first I was hoping for more comments and interaction, but I realize this is a personal , painful experience and I foun

I recently saw that there is a similar name as Serenity time that has a Facebook account. It is not me.

"...we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance,  perseverance character, and character ,hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts ...."     Paul's letter to the Romans Chapter 5 Verses 3b -5a

WELCOME:   Creating a place for Adult Children of Divorce of every age to come for a bit of hope and help has been a desire of mine as I have navigated the rough waters of finding my place within the aftermath of my parent's divorce.  The counsel I have found and from which I have benefited in the past few years is what I will share with all of us in an effort to encourage us that we are not alone and there is hope. May this place be where we can all go to move us toward times of serenity and peace within our circumstances.   ABOUT ME:   I am a 50 some-thing adult child of divorce who has been married more than 30 years myself. My parents divorced after years of what I thought was family closeness and no sign of what was coming. Within the past few years I have received wonderful help and counsel and I want to share with others who are going through a parent's divorce. You may be 20 or 50 and experiencing this change in your life and I hope we can help each other heal and

Adult Children of Divorce heal.  We move forward.  We laugh again and have some hope for a happy future.  We walk , looking ahead.  That is what I experienced a few days ago.  I was looking for some old photos and spent time going through many old photo albums.  I saw photos of a once-together, happy family.  Amazingly, I could view these photos from the past without bawling and with actually feeling warm feelings of what we had in the past. I didn't feel like I was grieving what we lost, but instead I was able to be thankful for what we had. Moving forward felt good.  I was grateful I had come so far. Then....  I stopped in my tracks and began to move one step back.  I won't go into detail about what it was THIS time, but I think all ACODs know this phenomena.  It can be a new story you hear from a relative or past neighbor about something you never knew before concerning your parents marriage.  It sometimes is a phone call.  Or a decision you need to make.  It can b

  Adult Children of Divorce sometimes need to just keep going!  I was reminded of that last week when I took to the slopes for some winter downhill snow skiing.   I consider myself a fairly able snow skier. I like the slower , more relaxed trails, so the first run down was nicely comfortable.  My second time down I decided to ride the lift all the way to the top. Not having skied this particular hill before, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into!   The view from the top was spectacular , but when I looked at the slope, I knew I was not prepared!   But, prepared or not, I HAD to go down. So, I began down. Skis in the slow/brake position, to prevent myself from going too fast. And before I knew it I was head over heals, laying in the snow!!  I could not "right" myself. I was in one position on my side and just decided that I would let gravity take me down in that position. After a few feet of sliding on my hip and laughing and hoping no other peop

Many of us ACODs have witnessed the burning down of our families due to the fuel of an affair on the part of one or both of our parents. Affairs can sometimes be "explained away" to a child.  Reasons of friendship, having grown apart, or a new chance at love may seem reasonable to a child, although hurtful. As adults, we are familiar with the concept of affairs and we often observe it from afar in the lives of others, but when the many levels of deception, betrayal and destruction are experienced first or second-hand, there is a deeper clarity and pain. Since the discovery of my father's affair, and subsequent choices of his ended family as we all knew it, I have heard many people refer to affairs in common terms. They may call it a "mistake" or "just an affair".  Some say things like "all sin is the same in God's eyes" or they minimize the personal responsibility by claiming that sometimes people can't "help it".