Time For Serenity

Picture the figurative home landscape of an adult child before the divorce of his/her parents. Often it is a home that is familiar, warm, safe and although there may be rooms that need remodeling and overdue repair needed in the yard, there is still a certain routine, and expectation of what is allowed in and out of the area, as well as what freedoms and securities are experienced as people move within its rooms. Now picture the figurative home landscape of an adult child after his/her parents divorce. Often it becomes unfamiliar, cold and dangerous. The rooms are filled with skeletons and things that used to appear hidden from view.  The yard may be filled with landmines that probably always have been there, but now they are likely to explode. People on the outside may peer into the windows uninvited, and it is uncomfortable to have the shades open now. The adult child who once had gone to his/her parents for protection and had learned to relax within a home with op

When adults watch their parents divorce,  if they can grieve in a healthy manner, they experience feelings of loss , anger , bargaining , depression and acceptance. You will have to WAIT  for the topic of acceptance until March, but that shouldn't be a problem for you ACODs out there, because waiting is part of our experience. For the sake of analogy, but with hesitance, lest I minimize the reality and seriousness of an ACOD's plight, today we will liken an adult child of divorce's situation to a play in a theatre. For years and years the play has been showing in the theatre of community and family. The main actors have established their roles and interactions with each other.  The supporting actors know their roles and their lines and although there are different scenes and lines, there is a certain type-casting for each player and most scenes.   The play seems to be written with a certain end in mind, although the specifics are not written in stone, each play

ON A LIGHTER NOTE When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. -- Thomas Jefferson

As your parents divorce you may recognize that you are depressed and need to do something about it.  Realizing your losses and seeing your own need are the first steps to getting healthy.  The other sources of help may be determined by your own situation and what assistance seems most needed first.  The effects of your parents divorce will be felt emotionally,spiritually, mentally and physically .  So the help you get may need to address each of these components as well. In my case,  I seemed to address my emotional and spiritual struggles first. I went to books(which I have listed in the margins of my blog) ,  my pastor,  a support group called Divorce Care, and a counselor.  This provided amazing relief and clarity for me.   But I also realized that I needed to work on giving myself new mental stimuli, so I took a pottery class, just for fun!    I found that  physically I needed to take walks to help balance my anxious energy at times.  Medication gave my brain the ability

As an adult, I had experienced periods of depression in my life due to changes and losses I had experienced.  I had walked the dark valley of clinical depression with some friends and family.  But when the loss of my parents impending divorce began to "hit me" I realized that I had entered a new dimension in the way my body and mind and emotions were reacting.  What did I feel like? What do you feel like? How can you tell if a friend whose parents are divorcing is becoming seriously depressed?  The symptoms of depression are many and varied.  If you or a loved one are exhibiting any of the following changes, it is imperative to pay close attention. My first obvious sign or symptom was :  EXTREME SADNESS I did alot of crying, alot of my days, and at times had a physical pain in my heart, as well as low moods irregardless of the circumstances in my own life. Another apparent set of changes were : CHANGE IN SLEEP, EATING , ENERGY and CONCENTRATION I lost some sleep in

Can adult children of divorce find help and hope in the midst of their depression? Today we will just touch on what depression is and then look for more posts on how it manifests itself in our lives and what we can do about it. The dictionary definition is as follows de·pres·sion /diˈpreSHən/ Noun: Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life. Synonyms: dejection - hollow  De pression is often a response to loss.   The feeling of sadness doesn't leave and causes it to be difficult to maintain our normal level of functioning.  This is often the case for those who have parents going through a divorce.  The challenging issue is that many people in the same family may be dealing with depression at the same time when a divorce of older parents affects their adult children and grandchi

Adult Children of Divorce are among those who celebrated National Marriage Week last week  ( Feb. 7-14)  !!  Every year during those particular days an effort is made to celebrate and promote healthy marriages.  If you are an ACOD who is married, or hopes to be one day, check out some of the wonderful hopeful and helpful links at the site below!!  I loved the Recommended Reading area where there are many great resources that my husband and I have implemented in our marriage!!  A Shout Out for marriage !!                                                                           http://www.nationalmarriageweekusa.org/

Adult Children of Divorce often find themselves in the fallout of parental lies. Sometimes both parents have lied in the past.  Sometimes one has been deceptive in the past and now both are lying in the present.  At times there is one who has lied in the past and betrayed the other parent,  and those untruths threaten to damage or succeed in destroying the family that has been known.  Lies are often told in cases of marital unhappiness because there is an inability to solve ones own problems or the problems of the couple.   Secrecy can be conducted when conflicts are not resolved.  The degree of the secrecy and lies effects the severity of the damage. One of the places I have found support is the discussion board entitled Adult Kids of Divorce on Yuku.  While scanning entries today I came across the following paraphrased statements, many which could have been echoed by me,  or by you , if you are a fellow acod. "we all thought we had a nice, cozy family, when the

Adult children of divorce often find themselves in the middle.   They often are in the middle of two parents they love or have loved.  They are often in the middle of siblings who feel various things at different times and are moving in and out of their own stages of grief alongside each other. They can find themselves sandwiched between other relatives and friends as conversations are played out in front of them.  Being in the middle of things puts ACODS in a vulnerable position of being pulled into a triangle.  Let me explain..........                                     As an adult child of divorce have you ever heard statements like the following? "Can you find out from YOUR mother what I am supposed to do about XYZ, because she won't talk to me."    OR   " What in the world did YOUR father mean by that ...now do you see what I have had to deal with all these years?"   OR  "Don't tell dad that I talked to mom, he would be furious, but I still

What does LOVE look like                  ??? A wise counselor once asked me   "What does loving your mother look like in XYZ situation?"  and "What does loving your father look like in ABC situation?"  The challenge was to think of how REAL LOVE considers the OTHER person's good and benefit as the main goal.         Quotes below from Tuesdays With Morrie book  Hopefully an encouragement to those Adult Children Of Divorce who are married and want to stay married to the person to whom they made the vow .    " I've learned this much about marriage," he said now.  "You get tested. You find out     who you are, who the other person is, and how you accommodate or don't."     Is there some kind of rule to know if a marriage is going to work?     Morrie smiled.  "Things are not that simple, Mitch."     I know.     "Still,"  he said , "there are a few rules I know to be true about love a

Adult Children of Divorce can spot a bargain when they see it!  But they can't always see when it is a form of begging and something of which they should be leery. We've talked about the stages of Loss/Denial  and  Anger and now enters the stage of divorce/grief that is titled "bargaining".  As I thought of how to describe it to you, the word bargain brought to mind the way it is used in the act of shopping or spending money.  When there is something that you want, you are required to pay a price for it.  Usually the more valuable the item, the higher the cost to you.  If we think the price is too high,  or more than we can afford to pay,  we begin to bargain.  We ask, or beg the seller to lower the price, or make the cost less oppressive.  If we get them to give us what we want , we say we got a bargain.  We got what we wanted,  the valuable item, but we know we didn't have to pay what it was worth. Bargaining in grief or divorce is described below by Elisa

As adult children , whose parents are divorcing, our needs for support and guidance may vary, but I would say counseling is an integral part of the journey to healing.  Dr. Jim Talley has been quoted , "Divorce is open heart surgery" , and a heart that is hurting emotionally can benefit from a trained professional as it tries to heal.   It seems logical to us that if a person had open heart surgery the recovery would take years and involve many different health professionals.   We wouldn't even think of not seeing a physical doctor or going to physical therapy on a daily or weekly basis for months or years if we experienced a major surgery.  It is easy to accept our need for help in a physical sense, but often we are leery to get help when it involves our emotions or sense of spirituality. Our logic is flawed when we dismiss how difficult the changes from our parents divorce has affected us.  As adults this is most challenging. We possibly have jobs, families,

Blessed Are Those .....who once in a while, instead of asking how your parent is,  ask how you ( the ACOD ) are doing! ( parent on left, ACOD in middle, friend on right)

In your anger , do not sin. When you are on your beds search your hearts and be silent. When you lie to each other you end up lying to yourself. Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry - but don't use your anger as a fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. Psalms 4:4,   Ephesians  4:25b & 26a,  Romans 12:18   The Message paraphrase of the Bible What does healthy anger look like for anyone, but especially an adult child of divorce? Last post I shared some of my extreme responses such as holding it in  and not talking about it and the opposite of  expressing it in violent words and actions.  The mime in the photo does a good job of showing us the ways NOT to deal with anger.  Today I want to share about the place anger has and how it can be expressed in a healthy manner. 1.  BE HONEST and ADMIT your anger.     One of the people who graciously counseled me asked me " What pla