Adult Children of Divorce Need Boundaries
Picture the figurative home landscape of an adult child before the divorce of his/her parents.
Often it is a home that is familiar, warm, safe and although there may be rooms that need remodeling and overdue repair needed in the yard, there is still a certain routine, and expectation of what is allowed in and out of the area, as well as what freedoms and securities are experienced as people move within its rooms.
Now picture the figurative home landscape of an adult child after his/her parents divorce.
Often it becomes unfamiliar, cold and dangerous. The rooms are filled with skeletons and things that used to appear hidden from view. The yard may be filled with landmines that probably always have been there, but now they are likely to explode.
People on the outside may peer into the windows uninvited, and it is uncomfortable to have the shades open now.
The adult child who once had gone to his/her parents for protection and had learned to relax within a home with open doors and fences, now realizes the need to protect self and others.
The boundaries now are necessary as safety and security are threatened. These new boundaries are unfamiliar, but often adult children of divorce need to set them in place.
The word picture above is not perfect in analogy, but it is meant to help us through one of the very most difficult things adults face when their parents divorce. If you are a small child and your parents divorce, it is likely that your parents will attempt to protect you from details, conversations and the responsibility of any adult issues. But as many adult children of divorce can attest to, the fallout weighs down on us. We feel a responsibility that younger kids of divorce don't sense. Parents don't do this to adult children on purpose. It is often a reaction to their deep pain and need. Depending on the parents age, it may be necessary to lean on adult children or want to be able to depend on someone!
Parents confide in us, they may need help cooking for themselves, or paying bills. They may have financial issues they didn't have before their divorce or a physical need no longer helped by the spouse who has left. It is natural that the parent would seek help from an adult child or children, and it is natural that an adult child would want to be there for a parent or both parents. In the past , you were there for each other. What does that mean now?
Just today while reading the Adult Kids of Divorce forum on Yuku, I read several posts from people who were trying to stay out of the middle, and trying not to take sides, but were finding that to be almost impossible. Many were expressing how each parent talks negatively about the other parent, how the lies of one parent or both were continuing and how these adult children feel guilt, torn and in a situation where they "can't win". Some of the participants were expressing the reality of boundaries or distance or even cutting off contact. These are excruciating parts of being an ACOD. But it is crucial that you determine your own boundaries. It is time for self-protection and self-preservation. It is time to decide what you can and can't do , and what you will and won't do . I will include some guidelines that have helped me, but this is not a thing to take lightly.
This is a delicate balance between what is good for you, good for each parent and good for those around you. It is a balance between grace ( kindness extended ) and mercy ( not giving what is deserved). It is a time to assess ( what is true at the time) and not judge ( give a final verdict with no chance for change). It is not always a "good guy" /"bad guy" setup, but you may choose to support one parent more than the other based on what is right. Some helpful DO's and DONT's follow. I am praying they lead you to wisdom.
- DON'T agree to listen to or agree with everything. Learn to say NO and
- "enough is enough". Monitor what goes in and out of your mind and guard that
- DON'T take all the initiative for the relationship and communication. It is OK to wait to see how each parent approaches you
- DON'T be afraid to close the door , or leave it cracked open, but try to keep the welcome mat out if you feel it is safe to do so
- DON'T become your parent's counselor. Encourage them to get help from others
- DO keep contact as you are able, but some distance is not bad. It can be helpful
- DO speak up against things that are wrong or hurtful. If abuse or violence are occurring at the hands of one parent, you need to intervene. And if there is danger to you or your children, you may need to be more careful with interactions or end them
- DO gather your siblings if they agree;decide how to approach parents in a united way
- DO give respect to each parent as a human being. Be kind, but firm.
The landscape in which you find yourself is not the home with open doors and an unfenced yard anymore. But doors and fences are not always bad things. They can be good for safety and the health of relationships in the future. Be brave and careful while establishing new boundaries, while trying to keep the lines of communication open.
You may want to read another article about this issue that I have linked here
I'D LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT HOW YOU HAVE DEALT WITH NEW BOUNDARIES.
Leave me a comment or send me an email at serenitytime8@gmail.com.
Next post we will move into the topic of Acceptance in our grief series.
Thanks for writing this post! The hardest part for me is not to become my parent's counselor and encourage them to get help from others. Divorce is so complicated and harmful. I think that divorce may be the best answer ONLY in cases of domestic violence, abuse or other harmful behavior patterns. What do you think about it?
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult, but important, to listen up to a point to a parent and then tell them kindly that they need to go to other people to get insight and help that you can not give to them. That is really helpful and freeing for you and for them, in the long run. Try to build other things into your relationships, and not just have your conversations revolve around the "issue". I used to have to write down things to ask my mother, to re-define what we talked about. I would ask about a recipe she made or ask about something funny she watched on tv, etc. We needed to have a relationship aside from my helping her through the crisis. I had to kindly remove myself sometimes and encourage her to go to professionals and other friends. This truly benefited everyone. I don't argue that sometimes divorce is a good option for some very harmful marriage situations. I agree that sometimes it is necessary when things are so bad. I always hope people go for counseling and try to not divorce, but it sometimes is what is needed to be safe and healthy. Thanks for reading and commenting. It is good for me to know what people are thinking. Keep setting healthy boundaries for yourself in your situation.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so happy to have found your blog! My mother filed for divorce in 2016, and I was promptly thrust into the middle - parenting a pair of 60 year olds, treated like a counselor and confidant, discovering they owed tens of thousands to the IRS and feeling like I needed to fix it, passing messages back and forth, etc. Fast forward two years and I've finally learned how to set firm boundaries with both of them. It IS difficult. They each reacted very differently to being told "no" and my closing the door to manipulation and lies (each has his/her own issues) - my mother responded by telling me that my treatment of her was unacceptable and deplorable, my dad quietly acquiesced. My message to all ACODs is to be prepared for push-back, but stay the course. Pour love and energy into things that fill you up, and take care of yourself. Keep on!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your experience and encouragement. You spoke your message beautifully!! Thank you !
ReplyDeleteI am in the midst of my life turning upside down. My mom left my dad for another man and it has been terribly hard. The relationships we all had prior were so strong and deep rooted, I find myself having a hard time letting it go. I am so thabkful to have found your blog as I make my way through it, it feels refreshing to hear someone else feeling the same way I feel and going through the same things I have gone through, internally. Thank you for being so vulnerable and open. You are helping so many!! I am thankful and for the first time in almost a year feel like I may actually be able to work through all of this and come out the other end. Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteIt is life changing, soul wrenching, mind burdening experience. In God's design the bond you have with both of your parents is meant to be strong and to stand tests of time. This will challenge that and you will have many small and big decisions to make along the way. You WILL make it through to another end and another new reality one day. Take one day and one challenge at a time. Don't try to make it be what you want it to be. It will evolve and look different in the future, but be true to you and your feelings and needs, while being open and sensitive as you can be along the way with both of your parents. It is still a journey for me 10 years later. But I do feel like I am on the other side of the pain and confusion and constant stress from it. Glad we have connected along our journeys. Thanks for reaching out.
ReplyDeleteHi. I would like to thank you for this blog. I am writing this after witnessing the biggest fight of my parents in recent years ever since my mom found out about my dad's other family. They have tried to reconciled over the years, but they always end up fighting over the same issue. Hence, I've always experienced being put in the middle. Tonight, I had the courage to set my boundaries with my mom all thanks to your blog. I know I should be able to handle this better as a 23 year old and the eldest child, but it still hurts. Love and light to you.
ReplyDeleteNo one knows how to handle this at first. It takes time and learning to grow in the role you have. It takes courage to do what you did and it will become easier each time you do it in a loving and firm way. It is the truest love to her and to you to do this. May you find more peace and health as the outcome. Blessings!
Delete