I have been avoiding writing this post in my blog because I realize that many acods maintain a relationship with their parents or even the “offending” parent after a late life divorce occurs. I want to encourage that and hope and pray that many grey divorces do not end with estrangement of parent and child. But in my own experience and in the lives of other acods who have written to me, or whom I have met, that is not always the case. Often the adult child or the parent chooses estrangement for many reasons. “Offense”, “sin”, “hurt” …call it what you will, but when an adult child has one parent who has made a conscious decision for months or years to betray the other parent, the adult child learning of the situation is often in disbelief. Hoping to understand, they talk to the “offending” parent, only to receive defensive language and behavior and the acknowledgment of hurt and pain caused is denied. Often a lack of personal responsibi...
Often holiday traditions are consistent and ingrained in family celebrations, and you really don't think much about them until you become an Adult Child of Divorce. There is an expected and anticipated element of how the day will be designed and of what the holiday means to us individually and collectively. The routine behind the turkey being prepared with grandma's special dressing or the vision you have of the tree in the front yard decorated with plastic Easter eggs almost goes unnoticed until things change. What really is a holiday? A time to take a break from work and responsibility to celebrate either a person's birth, or a day of religious or cultural importance. A holiday captures meaning in the significance of the specific day , but it also symbolizes a shared consistency and connectedness that is celebrated among family members amidst a life of change and difficulty. It brings us back to the past and makes us r...
Many of us ACODs have witnessed the burning down of our families due to the fuel of an affair on the part of one or both of our parents. Affairs can sometimes be "explained away" to a child. Reasons of friendship, having grown apart, or a new chance at love may seem reasonable to a child, although hurtful. As adults, we are familiar with the concept of affairs and we often observe it from afar in the lives of others, but when the many levels of deception, betrayal and destruction are experienced first or second-hand, there is a deeper clarity and pain. Since the discovery of my father's affair, and subsequent choices of his ended family as we all knew it, I have heard many people refer to affairs in common terms. They may call it a "mistake" or "just an affair". Some say things like "all sin is the same in God's eyes" or they minimize the personal responsibility by claiming that sometimes people can't "help it". ...
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