I have been avoiding writing this post in my blog because I realize that many acods maintain a relationship with their parents or even the “offending” parent after a late life divorce occurs. I want to encourage that and hope and pray that many grey divorces do not end with estrangement of parent and child. But in my own experience and in the lives of other acods who have written to me, or whom I have met, that is not always the case. Often the adult child or the parent chooses estrangement for many reasons. “Offense”, “sin”, “hurt” …call it what you will, but when an adult child has one parent who has made a conscious decision for months or years to betray the other parent, the adult child learning of the situation is often in disbelief. Hoping to understand, they talk to the “offending” parent, only to receive defensive language and behavior and the acknowledgment of hurt and pain caused is denied. Often a lack of personal responsibi...
When I first became aware of the stages of grief, I assumed that I would experience it firsthand when someone close to me died, not when my parents divorced in my adulthood. As I cried my way through the first days and months of the shock of what was about to happen to my family of orgin, the pain was deep and unbearable at times. Before the tears came readily and daily I seemed to walk around from task to task while hours ticked away in my day, as I functioned on auto-pilot, but my thoughts were consumed with the surprise and disbelief that my father had another love and would leave my mother and what we knew and loved of family to be with her. I reasoned that he would reconsider, that the affair wasn't as serious as it seemed, and that all would eventually be OK. Little did I realize that I was experiencing the Stages of Grief due to the great pain and loss that I was experiencing. The Stages of Grief are expressed by various words in different grie...
It makes me feel bad that parents who have struggled in their marriages and have chosen to leave feel bad. I don't enjoy hearing about other ACOD's parents who are mourning the choices they have made and the losses they have had due to their affairs or their leaving a long-time marriage. Feeling badly is not something any of us like to do . ACODs feel bad because other people have made choices that are out of our control that affect us in bad, sad ways. Older parents who are divorcing feel bad because of their own pain and because of the pain and consequences that their decisions bring. As I have read and counseled and thought a lot about all of this. I have learned that there are at least three levels of feeling badly. Read and think and decide where you fit or where your parent fits. The first level is Regret. This is the feeling of being disappointed or sad about something that has happened or been done. It is related to a loss or a missed opportunity. ...
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