Time For Serenity

Beautiful carols, fine clothing, delicious food, gifts and more.  Christmas is for celebrating and enjoying God's goodness.  He sent His Son, Immanuel, God With Us, to save us and to make things right.  Try as we may, to capture the essence of this spiritual reality, it doesn't always seem so. In spite of health, family togetherness, and other comforts, this Christmas the children are grown and the childlike wonder is gone.  This Christmas sadness lingers from breakdown of extended family ties from the aftermath of divorce and distant relationships.  This Christmas new gifts were delivered with damage and the keeping of holiday traditions caused expensive messes! This Christmas the rain fell and roads became icy and we couldn't see the outdoor lights as we usually do.  My tooth has been sore and sensitive ( reflecting my emotions in an ironic manner) despite efforts to relieve the pain, so this Christmas I can only carefully enjoy the goodies. This Christmas

Adult Children of Divorce usually have one parent who has been more influential in the breakup of the parent's marriage.  Sometimes it is mutually decided, but in my contact with many other ACODs I have found that it is very common that one parent decides to have a new life. Many other ACODs share that the "leaving" parent has made statements about finally being able to do what they want to, or comments that now it is their time to be selfish.  It is hard work being a mother or a father, but intrinsic is the opportunity to put your children's well-being above your own.  I can't imagine doing that for multiple decades, as I have only been a parent for 23 years , but it is my goal to do nothing that will put my children's well-being in jeopardy. No matter how old they are , or I am.  Often a part of the picture is an affair.  In my case, my father had an affair and made a choice that life apart of the family , and instead with his girlfriend, was his d

Stick Your Neck Out and Face the Holidays as an ACOD!! When parents divorce in our adulthood, holidays change. Read my post called The Holiday to gain some help and hope for this challenging time of year. http://acodtimeforserenity.blogspot.com/2012/04/holiday.html#!/2012/04/holiday.html Take out a piece of paper and every time you think of something that is GOOD in your life, write it down. Although adult children of divorce have pain and loss, focusing on our blessings helps keep our perspective in balance. I am thankful for those who read, comment and email and help me not feel alone in this journey as an ACOD!!!

The Serenity Prayer for Adult Children of Divorce God grant us adult children of divorce the serenity to accept that things won't be the same in our families; courage to change things for the best when we can; and wisdom to know what is up to us, and what isn't. Living one day at a time; and handling one situation that arises at a time; Enjoying good past memories and enjoying each present moment as much as we are able, as we ultimately look to the future. Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace ; Trying to live as He did in this sinful world, accepting it as it is and not as we wish it were. Trusting that He will make all things right in our inner spirits and in the last chapter of our story, if we surrender to His Will; That we may be reasonably content in this life and supremely whole and in communion with God forever in the next. Amen. ( taken from The Pathway post on Time For Serenity blog)

My story has nothing to do with being an adult child of divorce .  It has everything to do with real fear.   Riding a roller coaster in the dark in one of the front seats pushed me over the edge.  Not literally,  but figuratively.  Although I was in my early twenties, I came off the "fun ride" and sat on a bench where a few elderly people were sitting.  They were probably experiencing physical reactions to being flung through the air wildly and quickly.  But I was experiencing psychological fear. And I was crying.  As embarrassing as it was, I could not control my reaction .  I was truly afraid. What is fun for one person in an amusement park may not be fun for another person. And as an ACOD, I don't mean to imply that any of it is fun for any of us.  But we all experience varying reactions that are common to all and some that are as different as we and our stories are! Fear shows up in different arenas for the adult child of divorce. Sometimes we fear the pa

Adult Children of Divorce blog or follow a blog for many reasons.  And most of you reading this probably know what a blog is, but those of you who don't,  it is a informal site that is a web log of sorts. A blog is an online journal which is updated with words of knowledge and experience for the world to read and respond to.  Blogs offer comment areas where readers can interact with the writer of the blog and with others who are reading the blog. A blog is a great tool for many topics, and it is a helpful resource for Adult Children of Divorce, no matter which stage we find ourselves in!!! After several months of digesting the news of my parents'  divorce after 45 years of marriage, I looked for help in any form as I sorted through so many emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental issues.  Books , and websites were few, although the ability to read about what I was going through was a tremendous lifeline.  A Divorce Care support group and the visits with a professional

  As you carry the burdens that come with being an adult child of divorce, think about other "boxes" and burdens that you can get rid of to lighten the load.  And don't forget to cast your cares upon God, for he cares for you!!  1 Peter 5:7  The load is lightened when He is helping to carry it!!!

Dear Schwarzenegger Children, True identity, the failure of memory, and total recall are themes of one of the movies your father was in, and I would imagine it is a theme you are dealing with as you try to figure out the truth and the lies in your family story. I have been there too. By nature of being children of a celebrity, politician, actor, and a man with an unbelievable personal life story,   the issues surrounding your parent’s marriage are so very public.   There are others like you, who are adults, or soon to be adults, whose parents are divorcing amidst difficult real-life drama.   You are not alone. Our situations just are not so well known to the world. Your family name is so very recognizable, but even for those of us whose names are not, there is a sense of uneasiness now when someone asks our family name, which in my case is my maiden name.   I wonder if they know my father and what he did to contribute to my family’s breakdown.   I wonder if they know th

A prayer of perspective for Adult Children of Divorce: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr

A blog for Adult Children of Divorce is an ever changing thing.  It is  like the lives of ACODs everywhere.  Some things stay the same, other things change with time. After realizing that a new format will give you readers a chance to access the drop down tab on the top left where it says "side bar"   ,   the blog has a new look!!  I am hoping you will use the drop down the side bar choices  and choose a page that shows all the post titles ( I think there are 48 now?) .  That will give you a chance to see all that you can read about at one time.  I hope this is helpful. There are all the other features, but you may need to  hover your mouse over the categories vertically showing icons on the right side of the page . Explore the new format and hopefully you will find all the old things you liked and some new things that help you navigate the site too!  :) Don't forget to use the white search box in the upper right corner , too!! A new look, a fresh perspective is

Profound statements come from the mouths of adult children of divorce. Just recently while talking with someone going through the beginning stages of a parental separation the statement was made   " What used to be simple, isn't simple anymore". I couldn't help but think how profound and deep that statement is to those whose lives have changed drastically in the aftermath of our parents divorce. Planning a family gathering,  making a phone call,  sending a card, looking through photos, just to name a few things,  aren't ever the same again. Today I don't have alot to add to that thought.  Just that what used to take little thought or effort, now takes alot of insight and work.  Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed by the perseverance needed now.  Take heart,  it becomes easier as time goes on , in some ways.   We also can treat our relationships in a way that helps them become more simple again , as we define our own convictions and boundaries .  Si

I don't know what it is like to be a man and also an adult child of divorce. Much of what I have read and many of those to whom I have spoken have been women. Maybe we feel more comfortable in sharing our feelings or seeking help and support. I don't know. But today I am wondering what it is like to be a man , who has seen , as an adult, the breakdown of his parents marriage.  Years ago there was a train of thought that implied it was not divorce in itself that affected children, but instead HOW a divorce was handled.  It is certain that the way in which a divorce plays out can be more negative or more positive, but divorce in itself, in the best of circumstances, with the most mature individuals, still has great effects on the children , no matter what the age. In the Journal Of Marriage and Family from Nov. 1985 ,  there was an article entitled  The Psychological Well-being of Adult Children of Divorce  by Norval D. Glenn and Kathryn B. Kramer of the University o

Serenity Prayer Worksheet God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr of ACT                                                  ACCEPT What I can influence                                                What I cannot influence                               ABDICATE                                What only God can influence         The Serenity prayer causes us to seek the wisdom of discernment in circumstances and time…we have today…and the future….Today we plan activity a

Adult children of divorce can become discouraged when looking at our family trees. Our identity is a part of those relatives who have come before us and those coming after us, and we realize , if we have not known before, that our tree has missing leaves and broken branches.  Adult children of divorce have unique damage to their family trees, but we are not alone in the fact that many trees have unusual growth patterns, strange and unwelcome fungi, results of outside or inner infection and disease.  We are not alone in the world of unhealthy family trees, but we do need to consider how our trees got this way, what damage has been done and now what we can do to make the tree as healthy as possible. For adult children of divorce our family tree suffers when our parents divorce. I was reminded of this as I recently looked through a photo album of several generations past. The people had normal problems and had tragedies , illness and hardship that sometimes is evident in the expre

The song  "Forgive" has been on my heart and mind almost constantly lately!!  It kind of gets stuck in your head and you can't get it out!   Maybe that is a good thing in this case .  Check out Sara Renner's website at sararenner.com  and listen to her song that reminds us that if we want to live, we need to forgive. Powerful and beautiful,  from one ACOD to others like us!!  Thanks Sara!!!!

Even though I became an adult child of divorce at the age of 43, I thought my identity was quite established and secure by that time in my life. A strong sense of self had been developed apart from my roots of childhood, and I had my share of personal accomplishments from which to gain a positive self concept.  Tasting some of life's painful experiences had given me an amount of maturity and perspective I would not have had at a younger age.  BUT.....  as the reality of my parents divorce set in , the realization that I saw myself as a part of "them" couldn't be ignored.  Seeing myself even more separately became a new exercise.  "Mom and Dad" had become  "mom" and "dad".  "They" had become "he" and "she" , "hers" and "his".  The language I used now spoke of it.  The way their lives became independent and compartmentalized made me see everything in a new, unwelcome, way. When my

On A Lighter Note         is a little break from the serious posts and is sometimes just a funny photo or a thought that is lighter and more hopeful than some of the ideas that surround us adult children of divorce.   We all need a little laugh once in a while, or a different perspective while we go through the grieving process.  Enjoy  the On A Lighter Note feature !!   :) Hopefully you won't make this mistake!!     Talk to someone , face to face today, about how things are going as an ACOD.   Find a good listener,  and unbottle the emotions!!     It will be good for your soul!!!

Materialism is an issue that everyone has to face...not only adult children of divorce, but is the tendency stronger for us?  And if that is true , what do we do about it?? According to research conducted and compiled by Tim Kasser, author of The High Price of Materialism there is a correlation between children who grew up in homes of divorce and the need for security which is manifested often in a higher degree of consumerism. His book covers a wealth of information challenging the idea that greater wealth leads to greater happiness. He proposes, in fact, that the opposite is true.  As an adult child of divorce, I realize that the statistics that relate to children whose parents divorced are different than the statistics that relate to children who are adults when their parents divorce. But my ears perk up now whenever I hear the word divorce, and I was interested in this theory and how it may relate to us ACODs. Kasser's reasoning seemed to go something like this: When a d

When our parents divorce, we have alot to say!!!  We are angry , we are hurt, we feel justified in telling our side of the "story"!!  Is anyone listening to us???  Are our parents listening to us?? Often talking to a trusted friend, a counselor or pastor is helpful because in those relationships we are heard.  Not only by the ears, but also the heart. W hen we are heard, it makes it easier for us to listen. But why should we listen??? In his letter, James said: James 1:19-20 19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. and Paul , writing to the Romans, said: Romans 5:3-5 3 Not only so, but we [ a ] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, be

Adult Children of Divorce listen.  They listen to their parents tell each ones side of the story. They listen to the friends and relatives who have opinions and questions. They listen to their counselors and the wisdom that others who have walked this road share. Adult Children of Divorce listen to their siblings and  their children share their own hurts and feelings.  And we listen to the voices in our own heads as we move in and out from anger, grief, acceptance , denial, and all the stages we go through!! I have been listening , too.   While I have taken some months to refrain from writing , I have listened to those of you who have emailed me.  I have listened to what others are saying and writing about late-life divorce.  I have listened to the statistics from those of you reading my blog : My stats page shows me that most of you are reading the posts I have written about grief, anger and the hurt that is felt as an Adult Child of Divorce. I have always known that listening

Similarities abound as ACODs begin to share their stories with each other.  Never did I realize when I began this blog that I would find so many people with stories similar to mine.  Those who have emailed me or commented on the blog have encouraged me as much , if not more , than I hope I have done for my readers.  Thank you to those who have shared their stories with me and those who have read this site.  Unfortunately, we are not alone and if recent statistics are correct, our situation will be shared by many more in the future. Below is an excerpt from the last paragraph of a paper I ran across online. “Since 1990 the divorce rate has doubled among persons ages 50 and older. One-quarter of those who divorced in 2009 were ages 50 and older. Future research should address the predictors and consequences of divorce that occurs during middle and older adulthood. As the U.S. population ages, the number of persons ages 50 and older that experience divorce will continue to c